I had been feeling depressed for quite a time then.
There were many tabs of Prozac and sleeping pills being consumed in order to steady me out.
When I took the Prozac that time it made me feel elated. So much that I took to the booze in order to increase the feeling. I could completely block out the rest of the world when I mixed my Prozac with my whiskey.
The relief came then from the constant focus on my thoughts. The feeling of breathing concrete lifted and I could run around like a maniac.
(I have always craved anything that adds to my energiser bunny behaviour. I hate downers.)
When I needed to sleep I swallowed a couple of tiny lilac pills and knocked the wind out of my wings.
I was walking around with huge black eyes and my hearing was starting to act up.
Tunnel hearing and tunnel thinking.
I was having a shower one evening before heading out.
There was nothing in my head at all that night except the flow of water down onto the white bath.
I knocked over the royal blue glass bottle my mother had from the seventies and it smashed into chunky bits.
I have an image of my pale skin, slightly pink from the water against the white bath and then all the blue glass around my feet.
I was cleaning it up and decided to cut my arms open instead.
I figured I should do it properly so I cut lengthways between my wrists and elbow. You know it is much harder to cut skin than you would think.
I left my wrist alone because I didn’t really want to kill myself that day. I wanted to try it all out.
My arm looked like a tree trunk for quite a while.
One person asked me about it and I said it was from a fall.
Years later I noticed the same marks on them.
In later months I flushed that prescription of Prozac and sleeping tabs. Stopping that medication so quickly is not a good idea but neither was cutting myself I suppose.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
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